bless your soul, you really think you're in control?

i spent the evening with two things i can't resist, bubble tea and a friend. not just any bubble tea, but chocolate peanut butter, and not just any friend, but david zas. what i love about david is we didn't go to the same high school, we met by chance through mutual friends, we haven't hung out all that often, but we still somehow manage to oh so effortlessly have the most intriguing, intimate, and personal conversations when we are together. there's just something about him i trust. when i speak, i know he's really listening. i feel the same way when i talk to jon liao, whom introduced me to david. and i wouldn't even know jon if it weren't for jessie! jon and i spent part of our coffee excursion last week pondering aloud to ourselves where'd we'd be at the moment if jessie hadn't invited him along to that FBLA dinner senior year. i don't even want to get into how different my life would be without jessie in it, its too scary to think about. if mr. celentano hadn't put us in the same group back in gov, i wonder who my roommate would have been? the entirety of my college experience would have undoubtedly been altered. if the scheduling gods hadn't given upreet and i identical schedules in the eighth grade, who would my best friend be? the whole chaos theory or "butterfly effect" is crazily intriguing. hell, if i'd just been on a different floor of rubin hall, it would totally warp my current reality. it wouldn't be a push to say that i might altogether be a different person seeing as college was my first true opportunity to experience complete, uninhibited freedom allowing myself to discover who i really was without all the rules holding me back. was the me i am now underneath it all from the start? was she going to come out one way or the other? or did the people i met, the places we went, and the things we did mold me into who i am? i imagine its an unpredictable mingling of both. i couldn't begin to conceive an alternate life than the one in which i am presently familiar, but this particular conciousness that i've adopted as my view of the world is so fragile. certain exact, minute moments had to have happened precisely in the way they did for me to be where i am. if it weren't for meeting jessie and andy, i wouldn't even be sitting here writing this entry right now because it was their writing which inspired me to open this blog. initial conditions lead to an exponential growth in our lives, but its weird that seemingly trivial details can have such a profound influence on which direction that growth is. i'm aware that this precise thought has been rehashed countless times, but it still trips me out.